Anybody who says, “Let’s get lunch sometime,” intends never to have lunch with you.
Anybody who says, “Don’t be a stranger,” wants you to remain a stranger.
You are really, really old if you know Morse code. You are really old if you ever cut a stencil for a mimeograph machine. You are old if your kitchen had linoleum.
Take it from me, “Wolf Hall” by Hilary Mantel is going to be the best book you read this year.
If everybody tells you that you are a snappy dresser, you are probably too much of one.
Strange but true: We all know that Julius Caesar “crossed the Rubicon,” but today nobody is sure where the river Rubicon really is.
What’s the difference between heaven and hell? In hell, all they have is basic cable.
Show me a person who can yodel, and I will show you a person who has no friends.
When is the last time you checked your oil? Do you even know where your dipstick is? Do you even know what a dipstick is?
Lingerie football? Really?
Am I the only one who always get Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci mixed up? Michelangelo did the statue “David” and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and a bunch of other great stuff. Leonardo da Vinci did “Mona Lisa” and “The Last Supper” and a bunch of other great stuff. But I know I’ll never remember who did what.
If someone says, “It may be none of my business,” he’s right.
Has one size ever really fit all?
Drivers who never give you a wave of “thank you” when you let them cut in front of you should be beaten with sticks.
Cheap flashlights are never worth it.
Does anyone still play the harmonica? Why?
Why is daylight always “broad”? Has no one ever been robbed in “narrow” daylight?
I have the same feeling every time I see someone driving a convertible with the top up in beautiful weather: OK, so you don’t want to get your hair mussed or you don’t want to get too much sun. So why did you buy a convertible in the first place?
Since nobody predicted the recession, nobody is going to predict the recovery.
–Roger Simon
