Tuesday, August 30, 2016

TOP STORY >> Pokémon Go can lead to prison

Leader staff writer

Plenty of years ago, I invested in packs of Pokémon cards and placed them in my safe behind the Elvis Presley picture, perpendicular to my shotgun, underneath the Bible, in hopes that my daughter could make a pretty penny with them on eBay or Craigslist.

But now I fear Pokémon Go may send me to prison.

You see, there are placards posted at a public facility in Jacksonville (city hall) decrying “no loitering, no parking in the driveway,” all because of Pokémon’s persistent popularity with the public, but perhaps not with pompous public officials.

What Pokémon has done is made me a criminal, a petty one at best, but still a criminal, as I always park along the curb in the driveway when I go to city hall, leaving the marked spaces for those with more pressing problems.

I can already see where this is going.

First, it will be the police, although, polite, still penning a citation citing that pertinent placard policy I have violated by parking in the driveway.

Next, because of the onslaught of parking violators, my case will get pushed to Sherwood District Court, where the penalty will be a petite fine. With my head plopped low, I pen the court a personal check and leave.

Only to find the SWAT team plummeting my home the next day because the check, like a ping-pong ball, bounced. The police pile on the chains, proclaiming its proper protocol and off to the hot-check court I go where my paltry sum for parking, even though it wasn’t for Pokémon, becomes piles and piles of fines and plenty of days in prison with a cellmate named Pops.

Of course, this putrid scene could be avoided by the city embracing the Pokémon phenomenon and inviting players in. Don’t we do that with illegal immigrants, terrorists and mothers-in-law? Why not Pokémon players?

Replace the present placards with pretty purple positive ones that welcome Pokémon players and politely tell them, on the placard, to park and play in the back.


Phish, posh, it parallels with preposterous poor planning of the past.

So, let’s pooh, pooh that idea as it might upset a persnickety panel of pompous, pious punks. That panel possibly may decry political prejudice toward Pokémon players based on their peculiarity and that perk is protected under penalty of the law like those mattress tags.

It’s not pure fantasy or perjury, I pray – it’s the principal principle of pride.

Perhaps methinks too much of this plight or plenty more prescription pills need to be procreated.

Putting it plainly, please pick on perps, not Pokémon players.